Just Say No to the Emo Bro!

Question-
WHAT is it that attracts the girls of this generation to those tight-jeans-wearing, soft-voice-talking, perpetually crestfallen, hair-in-the-face emo boys? I've noticed their existence increasing at an alarming rate lately, and quite frankly, it freaks me out. Apparently it's now perfectly acceptable, if not (scour) desirable for dudes to wear tighter jeans than their girlfriends. Not only is this highly unattractive, it undoubtedly carries negative reverberations for the future of mankind--but we'll get to that later.

I want to know what happened between my high school days (approximately 10 years ago) and now that transformed the guys from horny, baggy jeans wearing, able-bodied beefcakes into sad-sack, whiny little bitch-boys? My suspicion is that overexposure to technology in the recent years has distanced the youth from those real-life relationships which served to shape the men of yester-year. Whereas my dad and his friends were out fixing cars, playing sports, and constructing things, 21st century kids sit around at Starbucks and text each other about how "amazing" the new indie pop band is. And while that's all well and good, it leads back to the theory alluded to previously--that the emo movement perpetuates genetic weakness and will ultimately lead to a tapering-off of mankind as we know it!!!

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't give this trend so much credit--after all, it is (hopefully) just a trend. But considering the fundamentals of nature, does "survival of the fittest" involve being able to produce an oil painting or flat-iron one's bangs in front of one's eyes? I think not. And let's face it, those tight jeans CAN'T be good for the family jewels, am I right?

Human beings amaze me. We've become so intellectually advanced in the past few decades that we've nearly distanced ourselves entirely from nature. I was just watching a documentary on PBS last week about the male sage grouse and the effort he endures to score a mate. He puffs-up his chest, makes this crazy squawking sound, and fans his tail feathers out to appear bigger and more fit for the job. It's safe to assume that that ceremony is common throughout most of the animal kingdom. The emo trend, however, blatantly defies all of these carnal conventions. Instead of impressing the girl by appearing robust and masculine, the emo boy simply tries to look as much like a girl as he can. Pretty soon we're all just going to resort to fucking ourselves and performing test-tube births in lieu of copulation.

Sorry if this post was a little abrasive, it's late at night and my eyelids are heavy :)

To Be or Not to Be (a Feminist)

It’s safe to conclude that women all across the US consider gender equality in the workplace to be an inalienable right, which should at no time be compromised. It can also be assumed that women (with the exception of a few barefooted, kitchen-bound “babes of the bible belt”) carry these expectations over into all other aspects of their lives. Our foremothers have, through bra-burning and picket rallying, forged us a path which (somewhat) guarantees us the choice to make of this life whatever we damn well wish. For that, I feel obliged. I feel it’s my feminine duty to carry on the torch blazed by Susan B. Anthony and Margaret Fuller, and therefore I’m constantly proving to the boys (while remaining as non-dikey as possible) that I can do it just as good!

But then something happens. I go on a date. And suddenly the image of me as a job-holding, toolbox-owning, vibrator-using, don’t-need-a-fucking-man-to-do-it woman begins to blur. I guess I’m what they’d call a fair-weather feminist. If I go out to dinner with a gent and he doesn’t immediately insist on paying, or if he (ughhhgh) utters the words “go Dutch”, you can GUARANTEE my ass is outta’ there quicker than George Dubya from Katrina. I mean, really, (ladies, I know you hear me) is there any bigger turn-off?

Unfortunately the fair-weather-feminist situation is not confined to me, but rather reflects a large and puzzling trend plaguing our country’s independent women. I can name at least a dozen chicks (myself included) who’ll be first in line to tell you all about why they’re just as capable as men of performing high-paying jobs, yet act like someone demanded they fork over their first-born when asked to pay for a New York strip.

My interpretation of this condition is that we women (between the ages of, say, 20 and 50) are still fairly new to the whole women’s lib thing, and thus we feel compelled to hold on to some of the older values imparted upon us by elder generations. At this point in history, we want to have our goddamn cake and it too. In one ear is the grandmother muttering archaic ideals the likes of which would send Gloria Steinem into cardiac arrest: “Find yourself a GOOD man, one with money who’ll take care of you. And don’t EVER get rid of one until you have another lined up.” Simultaneously we’re exposed to media figures such as Miranda from Sex and the City, who exemplify the empowered 21st Century woman exhibiting no qualms about dating the broke dude, bringing home a substantially larger portion of the cheese, and sharing it all with him without even thinking twice about it. The result of all these conflicting ideals is the construction of a woman (whose name shall not be mentioned) who wants to be able to work, have a baby, have an abortion, fart, etc., yet is first in line to flirt with the old skeezer at the bar for a free glass of wine. WTF?

My question is this: are we, as women, justified in opting-out of feminism when it’s in our best interest? HELL yes we are! Men get all the breaks: they have penises, they earn higher salaries, they get fat and gray and no one cares. Why can’t we have it all too?

Men-- your thoughts on this?